Many a time, I have heard many of my friends say that they wish to go back to their childhood, indicating that their life was much happier back then. It is a dishonest statement, a cliché borrowed from the movies. They never thought it through. Our problems as a kid were silly, our responsibilities were less, and expectations from us were small. But we knew they were silly, less and small only when we attained adulthood. As a kid, our problems were not only not-silly, but we believed that adults were enjoying their life but they left us to suffer. All of us only ever wanted was to grow up and become an adult soon so that life can be enjoyed to the fullest.
When I was a child, all I wanted was to grow up. I wanted to grow up so that I could play Cricket with the big boys and not the small boys, with rubber balls and stitch cork balls and not the plastic ones. I wanted to grow up so that I will be allowed to go bath in the river without any adult to accompany and supervise me. I wanted to grow up so that I will be allowed to bicycle by myself to nearby shops to buy things. I wanted to grow up so that I am included in the ‘big boys club’. I wanted to be grown up because it felt like a better place to be than being a child. And I was right, as an adolescent, I was able to do everything I wanted to and wished for as a kid.
During this stage, the realization hit that teenage is a more fun place to be than this. It felt bad when the big boys excluded me from ‘their group’ now and then because I am still a ‘kid’ and therefore was labeled uncool by default. They were afraid that I may report to their parents what they were talking about. I was supposed to not hear supposedly the adults-only things they were murmuring to each other standing far away. Foul language was ‘banned’ for a person of my age. And maybe, maybe if I grow past this stage, the relatives and neighbors may finally stop enquiring about my exam scores.
Girls were a mystery during that time. The impact of movies was such that for me, girls meant ‘to love’. Being friends with the girl was not even in thought, girls meant just ‘to love’. There was this constant necessity and alertness in mind not to mess up anything in front of any girl. Just not-messing-up was not enough but I had to impress them too. If unable to impress, I should not be a loser at least. Even borrowing a pen or pencil from a girl had to be rehearsed a few times in mind. What words to use! Should I smile! What if she doesn’t turn! What if she does not have a pen! What if she cried because I asked her for a pen! On some day if some girl smiled or talked to me, some random regular stuff then I will carry it with me for months. I will relive the moment tens of times. I will think about our future together. To recollect these moments now may be beautiful from a nostalgia perspective however that was not the place I wanted to be when I was living the phase. What I wanted then was not to live in thoughts but to develop courage and get acquainted with the girl. Maybe courage is something to do with age, I thought. Courage may come when I become bigger, I assumed.
Movies continued to be the biggest influencer, and it had struck such an image in mind that college is the golden era of one’s life. I didn’t see a point in the concept called life without college in it. If movies were right, it is in college where all the important things of life happens like seniors ragging the juniors, their conflicts, ‘gang-wars’, elections, birthday and festival celebration, the girlfriend, the love, and the fun and friendships. College is where I can start wearing colored dresses and move out of the kiddy uniform culture. College is where I get to dance to cinema songs. In my school, cinema songs were not allowed at youth festivals. College is where I can start bunking classes. Why to bunk a class? because bunking class were considered ‘cool’ that’s why. There were a thousand reasons why I should be in college and not in school.
As expected, college was fun. It was Gold. I was right all along. The dance, the music, the fun, the fame, the trips, the tours, the friendships, this time not only with boys but also with girls, FINALLY. College life is probably the first time since birth when I felt no urgency to go to the next phase of life. I thoroughly lived all five years of my college life. Would I trade this for my childhood? Never.
Like every good thing has to come to an end, college life also came to an end but I had a reason for excitement as I had already secured a job for myself before I even graduated. This was the second time during my life that I felt I was where I wished to be. I had tangibly reached the next stage of life. It felt real. The fact that someone pays me cash itself was new and ‘cool’. The feeling that I AM someone. The feeling that I have become an independent individual. Now I do not need permission from my parents go for a movie or request them for money. I could go anywhere. I could go to any movies, anytime, any number of times. I could buy things for which my parents may have either said no or postponed. Would I trade this for my childhood? Never.
My wife, then my lover, all the movies we watched, late-night phone calls and chats, places we visited on my motorbike, the food we had, moments and travels we enjoyed. Would I trade all of it for my childhood? Never.
Like said in Rocky, “the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.” Throughout this travel, there were sad and bad phases too. The let-downs, the disrespects, the failures, the betrayals, everything was part and parcel of all the good things that life brought. But even when life was tough, never have I wished to be a child again so that I could escape this. Adulthood is what I wished for, and to be wanting to cherry-pick only the good things out of it is not even in the options. It is during the twenties and the thirties, we feel young, fresh, healthy, get married, have kids, earn well, buy properties, have sex, travel frequently, eat anything, have more sex, learn new skills, drive around etcetera. I acknowledge and appreciate the goodness of this phase of life. Everyone should.
You don’t want to be a child again, it is a white lie. You don’t mean it. When you were a child, you were inadequate, inexperienced, powerless, indecisive, under watch, and were restricted. You don’t want to be older either, not so soon anyway. Live this. Let’s live this youth while we still have it.
Just now read this Eswar, loved reading your journal – thanks for keeping it real and sharing your health journey (and gallbladder exit story)! And those bullet scars, just wear them as a badge of honor – you’re a warrior… Your writing resonated with me the solid reminder that our bodies don’t come with warning lights, so those check ups really do matter and you made the right choice..